(A Parks and Recreation parody)
It was the smell. He lifted his head up, closed his eyes and taking a long deep breath he took in all that olfactory goodness. His moustache tingled in excitement as he opened his eyes and looked back down at the sizzling barbeque he was attending. This was the smell of goodness. No other smell could beat it. He was the master of creating the perfect barbeque smell.
“Hey Ron, how’s the barbeque coming along? Making progress?” Leslie asked, approaching him from the table where the rest of the barbeque “side dishes” was prepared and the rest of the party was around. “Sure beats using a frying pan or the oven eh?”
“When it comes to cooking the perfect steak, the barbeque rules” Ron said. That twinkle in his eyes, that mischievous smile. He knew what he was doing. He had been doing this since he was 10 years old.
“The key to the perfect steak is a pre-heat” he said, like he was in tutor mode, addressing a room full of students, eager to learn the trade, “medium to high, for five minutes. After which, you place a fresh steak and let it sit. You may, if you’re so inclined apply a dash of salt and healthy sprinkling of ground black peppercorns. Cook for eight minutes, turning every two minutes. This gets it to a juicy medium rare. Then you put it on a plate and cover it in foil for another two to three minutes, let it simmer. This is how you cook the perfect steak. There is no other way and that’s that” he said, flipping over the four that were recently put onto the hotplate. He sprinkled pepper onto two of them.
“Well, once again, I really appreciate you doing this Ron. Chris and I were just wanting to celebrate this with our closest friends and co-workers, and I knew you knew how to do a great barbeque. So thanks again”. Leslie gave him a friendly, appreciating smile.
“It is my pleasure. Now what is it that Chris wanted to add to this, besides the mushroom and onion?” He looked over at the surprise plate covered in foil. Knowing Chris’ tastes, he was a little suspicious.
“Oh, you know Chris, just a few little surprises. You know he’s been on a health kick lately. I think it was something he picked up at the organic food store”.
Ron raised an eyebrow. He was not only suspicious, but fearful. He knew what kind of madness they sold over there, and was doubly worried at what kind of food Chris had bough. He wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer and if it was anything like he thought it might be, this was going to take a rough turn for the night.
Leslie lifted the foil to reveal mushroom steaks. Mushroom steaks, alongside what can only be referred to as cauliflower patties. Some might, very loosely, and in a very idiotic way, call them cauliflower steaks. But Ron was having none of that.
“What in the name of all that is good food, is this?” he yelled in shock. Leslie looked on in amusement and slight embarrassment. Chris came over to investigate.
“Oh! You found my cauliflower and mushroom steaks Ron! What do you think? Don’t they look like absolute beauties? I think they make a great addition to the barbeque!” Chris said, beaming with pride.
“A great addition? What in the name of all that is evil and in bad taste is that? I’m doing the cooking, and I refuse to cook such abominations as whatever you call those! There are two elements to a barbeque. Meat, and everything else. The everything else includes mushroom, onion, lettuce and tomato with barbeque sauce!” the look of shock and fear becoming bigger and bigger on Ron’s face.
“Well I just thought, seeing as there was a small party of 8 of us, that whoever wanted a healthier non-meat alternative could have one. I think they’re delicious and will be having two of them myself. One of each!” Chris smiled, ear to ear. Completely oblivious to the culinary torture he was inflicting.
“Okay, so there are five barbeque rules. Number one, cook only meat. Number two, add only things which complement the taste of meat. Number three, add great seasoning. Number four, add a great sauce, and number five, do not do anything to jeopardise the first four rules”. Ron had that stern look of a parent having to give a harsh but important lesson to a child. “I don’t see a way past these hideous disgusting things breaking rule number five! Explain yourself!”
“Well, I just thought that these might be healthier, better for us you know, lower our cholesterol and be a great alternative to the usual parts that make up a barbeque. Plus they taste really nice, why not try it?”. Chris looked confused, but appealed hard.
“Mate, I know what mushroom is, and it goes with the burger. It does not replace the burger! I’m glad we got that out of the way. As to cauliflower, I don’t know what kind of stunt is being pulled here, but cauliflower is not a steak, no matter the shape or seasoning you add. I think you are under some huge misapprehension about what a barbeque is. If you want these monstrosities cooked, you’ll need to do it yourself!” Ron cast a stern but determined look to Leslie, who took the hint.
“As for these steaks, these are now done and I can serve them. They are from the finest selection of local meats procured and will provide adequate sustenance, at great taste.” he lifted each steak onto a plate and walked towards the shared table.
Chris looked at Leslie, confused. She gave him a re-assuring smile and waved her hand toward the barbeque, still sizzling on medium heat. He picked up each cauliflower and mushroom steak and placed them onto the hot plate.
“I’ve only done this in the oven, I’m not really a barbeque person. How does this thing work?” he asked Leslie, looking utterly confused.
“Amateur” Ron uttered, overhearing, as the rest of the party tucked into their share of the steaks, mushroom, onion, lettuce and tomato. Right there was a damn good meal in the making.